How much mourning is 'enough'?

A couple of things have been reminding me of death lately. And along with death, I've started to think about mourning.

As you know, dear readers, my mother died seven years ago last Friday. And my father passed away last October. Neither one of these were easy to go through, and I can't honestly say I'm over either one.



How do you get over the death of a parent? How do you get over the fact that you can never, EVER, talk to someone again? Someone who knows you better than anyone in the world could ever hope to know you? Someone who knew you when you were at your most ignorant, your youngest, your most vulnerable? How does one get over that?

The real trouble with mourning, as I see it, is that it doesn't end. Not really. You never stop missing them. But it's more than that. You think you're done. You may think it a lot.

Take the five stages of grief model. First there's denial, then bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance... though probably not in that order. Well, I went through that with my dad's death. And I thought I'd reached acceptance. But then I didn't. I realized I was still going through it.

I wrote a book about him. It's called Rules of My Father. Maybe you've read it. Maybe you'll go look it up now. Whatever the case, writing it felt incredibly cathartic. It let me appreciate my father and remember him, and it also gave me a repository of advice that is pretty much from him, that I can look back on for the rest of my life. I thought that was it. I thought I was done.

But I wasn't. I keep going back to realizing just how recently that all happened. To realizing just how much it has fucked me up. I look at my work and see that it has suffered, but then think of how amazing it is that I have done this much during such a time.

Sometimes, I realize I'm still in denial. That I always have been. I'm not dealing with this, so it will keep going and going. But I accept that. Even though it makes me angry. And a little depressed.

That counts, right? I mean, we can agree that I'm doing everything I should be, right? Please?