How do we process bdsm?

I think this is a question we all need to ask ourselves, and ask ourselves many times. Some people seem to think that once a scene is over, that's it, and they can walk away and all is well. But that just isn't true.

 
I'm thinking particularly of a humiliation scene. If the woman I love calls me a pathetic piece of shit, a worm not worthy of a woman, a fag who is too scared to admit that he doesn't like girls... well, afterwards, I want her to reassure me that she doesn't actually feel that way. I need aftercare. 

And it's not just humiliation that needs aftercare. a good whipping sometimes needs to be followed with gentle back rubbing. The sub needs to be told that they are worthwhile, that they are loved, and that they are safe.

 
But that's what the dom does. What about the sub? What's our job after the scene is over?

 

The answer for me used to be "freak out." When I first started engaging in bdsm play, I was 18, I was more or less innocent, and I was playing with a girl who felt much more for me than I felt for her. I would freak out, thinking I was a bad person for wanting the things that she did to me, and even worse still because I was using her infatuation with me to get what I wanted.

Now, I don't really think I was using her. She knew the score, and usually spent several days/hours before we played convincing me that it was okay, that she wouldn't take it the wrong way, etc. and she knew that afterward, I would avoid her for a few days.

Why was I avoiding her? Partially because I didn't know what I was doing or how to deal with it. Because I was a kid, and I was stupid. but mostly it's because I was processing. I was coming to grips with what I had done, with what she had done to me, and trying to put my view of the world back together.

I've since gotten better at this. Not just faster, but more specific. I now know that it's okay to feel pleasure from pain; it's not that I'm 'wired wrong'; it's that my brain knows to release endorphins. and it's okay that I like giving up power. and it doesn't mean that she (or, I suppose, he) thinks less of me as a person, or that there's a new dynamic to our relationship.
 

Aftercare has to go both ways. When you play, you set up very different standards for your relationship. One of you is placed on a pedestal, one of you ground into the mud. When it's over, you need to re-establish equality.

What kind of aftercare does a dom/me need? Well, it might help to reassure them that there are no 'hard feelings,' no grudges, nothing like that. That it's okay that she kicked me until my ribs were bruised; I still love her. I don't think she's going to abuse me in our regular life. It's okay that she's called me names: I don't think she means them. If I'm unsure, then she can reassure me. We take care of each other. 

That, I think, is how a healthy relationship works. You accept that both of you are neurotic messes, and you work to deal with one another's neuroses.
 

How does this apply in 24/7 relationships? I'm not sure. I'm not even sure it does. Then again, I'm not sure that there really is such a thing as a true 24/7 relationship. But that's a topic for a whole other entry. One I may never make.